I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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