it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
