It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
