Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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