apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
