she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
