i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
