I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
