I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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