The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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