I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
