tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
