and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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