Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
