I think I won the penis lottery.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
