Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm too high and old for this...
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
