There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
