my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
