I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Randomize
