I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
