I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
