i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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