Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
