Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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