I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
