i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
