my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize