After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
