Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
