she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
We need to rekindle our bromance
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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