I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
