Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
