Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
