dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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