Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
