remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Umm I'm too high to move.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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