I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
