that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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