My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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