im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
