this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
