Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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