if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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