Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
