I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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