Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
