I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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