Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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