i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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