Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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