OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
