I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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