Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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