I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
