my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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