Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
