He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
