My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
